And suddenly the world stopped turning…

There we were, my little boy and I, brought into the separate room. The doctor in front of us, explained, what the radiologist assumed. That there is a space requirement in the abdomen of my son. That they don‘t know yet what exactly it is. That further examinations will need to be done. That we won‘t go home until further notice. That I should call my husband to let him know and to bring us changing clothes…

I couldn‘t think. Tears streaming down my face. What are they telling me here? My son is ill? Deadly ill? Did they just say tumor? Why him? It was supposed to be a silly gastrointestical infection, this is what they told me just yesterday. I can‘t breath.

„We need to examine your son‘s blood to get more information.“ The nurse handed me pads to warm is feet „it will be easier to get the blood from his feet, the veins of little people are very hard to pierce.“ I just acted as they said. My son screaming, he didn‘t like them, anyone, to hold his hands. Wait, why his hands? They said they needed his feet? The nurse couldn‘t find the vein, a vein. „We might just have to pierce this one here“ she said, while pointing at his forehead. „Ok stop now!“ I heard myself say. „I need to call my husband now. This is getting to much for me alone to handle now!“

My husband tried to keep our world in one piece, wondering what would be needed for our hospital stay. I couldn‘t answer any of his question. Holding my son while people were hurting him, carrying him around, distracting him, entertaining him and getting this whole bunch of information was just not manageable for me anymore. My brain was mush. I could only think of one word: tumor!

In the meantime someone else came in and managed to spot a good vein im my sons arm. I cannot remember which arm it was, only that it was kept straight with a splint. The look of this just killed me. And my son? He just did what every toddler in his age does. He played. Splint arm? Don‘t care!

Meanwhile our converstion with the doctors was more or less like that: So what‘s the plan? What does this all mean? Well at one point you will have to go to Geneva. We have indications that this will go the direction of liver cancer and Geneva is the centre for liver related deseases…

That day we decided to head back home against the doctors‘ will. They would not recommend families to go home with news like that, was the first argument. Second one – after we insisted we want our son to have one more day in his home – that the tumor could rupture. „Well“, I told the doctor „you should be better giving me the whole info at once. Getting bits and pieces of information is frustrating!“ I have to admit my wording and tone was not polite anymore at this point. I was too exhausted to hold it together. We eventually left the hospital around half past 9 pm.

The next appointments were set for the following Monday. The plan was to do an MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) as well as a CT (computed tomography).